(In my paid advertisement voice) Do you have a colleague that you just can not stand? Have you ever daydreamed about saying the things you really want to say to a coworker, and storming off in true General Hospital fashion? Do you have teeth marks on your tongue or the inside of your cheek from trying to hold your temper, because you just don’t have anything nice to say? Well you’re in luck! May I suggest you write yourself a stress letter. It’s the stress relieving coping mechanism that I use, and everyone needs.
So here’s how it works: As a way to cope with work place stress, I sometimes write stress letters for myself about my complicated colleagues and or my relationships with them, as a way to get my feelings out in the open without hurting anyone OR their feelings. These letters are honest, petty, raw and probably rude. It’s me saying the things I want to say, so I can just get over myself. Once they’re written, thats it. I’m out, I’m done and I’ve moved on.
These letters NEVER get sent, they just kinda sit at the bottom of my google drive, never to be found or read again. Well… that was until I found one that I wrote quite a few years ago. Y’all. It’s so petty. Like, It’s P.E.T.T.Y. Like the kind of petty that is usually reserved for your favorite reality star’s favorite reality show. But, the real shit is I must have been in that state of mind at the time. This person must have pushed me to my breaking point, and all hell was likely on the verge of breaking loose.
So instead I took to the keyboard, put my anger to the keys and vented to myself. Clearly it worked because I a) forgot about this moment of stress in my life, b ) forgot about this person who stressed my life c) can look at this letter and die of full on laughter, today.
The real shit is, I can show you better than I can tell you with this one. Enjoy:
It’s me!!! You’ve gone to great lengths to piss me off this week, so I’ve decided to write this letter in an effort to express my emotions in a petty, yet constructive manner. Now, to be honest, it’s likely I’ll never show you this letter. However; in the event this letter does see the light of social media, and takes off into the abyss of the almighty fuckery that is twitter, and somehow makes it to your mentions list, with an inquisitive caption from one of your associates noting: “is this about you?”, then I implore you to find solace in my verification that-- Yes… this is for you boo :-)
I want you to understand that you -- have me all kinds of fucked up. I’m not quite clear which part of my one time offer kindness, you decided to take as a weakness, but may I clarify that I’m not here for the bullshit. Your pride in your own mediocrity and detest for my intent to do things “per-process” is concerning. It is within my job description that I ensure our work stays on budget, incurs a decent margin, meets all scheduled milestones and utilizes resources efficiently. So yes-- every time any of those items are compromised, I will call it out. However, when you respond to me with simple ass comments like “well the world isn’t perfect, so why does it matter” or when I issue a request and you insist on getting a second opinion from someone else that doesn’t do my job, I feel like you enjoy getting cussed out. I truly do.
We are not friends. So please stop pretending we are, for the sake of the perception of yourself at work. When I tell a funny story about the antics I engaged in during my weekend, I am not looking for you to interject with a “relatable” story of your own. When I offer a thought provoking anecdote to an intense conversation about office business, I do not need you to add to my point. My point has already been made, and my jokes have already been laughed at. Do not continue to request me on facebook, twitter and or linkedin. I don’t care for your condescendence, I don’t care for your facebooks likes and I don’t care for your IG views. I ultimately just don’t care for you. Be clear I do not hate you, and that’s only because the lord told me not to. Instead, I just recognize that given the option, I could go without seeing you for a long period of time without worry.
Note: No colleagues, feelings or careers were harmed in the writing of this stress letter.